Saturday, May 30, 2009

Love Your Sad

“when I laid my head on my pillow that night, my eyes filled with tears, “I weep therefore I love”, I told myself with rapturous melancholy”
-Simone De Beauvoir

It is part of the human condition to feel great sadness for great reasons and also for no reason at all; it serves an important evolutionary purpose (we evolve to learn how to protect ourselves, to overcome great burden, communicate our emotions to others and gain support- most importantly we learn how to be at one with our sadness and employ it for greater happiness). We change. It is a beautiful process; these kinks in our journey decorating life. People often get the urge and are encouraged to speed up their journey back onto the path of happiness -pill popping anti-depressants and feeding the greed of corporate pharmaceutical companies who push for quick diagnoses for people with quite normal sadness [in my opinion quite necessary sadness].

Blunt these emotions? Deprive us of the most natural processes of grieving? Discourage reflecting on those events in our lives which leave us changed forever? I mean real reflection, deep, deep reflection- that kind of reflection that comes only when you know that things will never be the same again. I feel very close to these times in my life.

Besides, some of the most beautiful art has been the result of quite negative emotions- it is self therapeutic and a great gift to society that that person experienced those particular emotions and allowed themselves so much to feel them and be aware of them that they are able to share them with the universe. REVEAL YOURSELF. This is freedom.

Suffering exists. It has to exist. All this obsession with happiness and pleasure is often at the root of suffering in the first place. Ignorance is not seeing the world as it is (essentially full of necessary suffering and crisscrossing paths of bliss and hardship) and leaves our minds undeveloped and unable to progress. This is imprisonment.

I’ve flushed my anti-depressants down the toilet and learnt to play, control, and love, cherish and learn from the times I’ve felt down. I’ve had to force myself to let my loved ones love me when I need them to, harness the energy of sadness when I am alone and down and figure out, in a way study myself, and constantly learn who I am and how I work (or don’t work sometimes.)

Feel glad for your feelings as they are unique and precious and yours. Don't be afraid of finding things hard. Things brighten just as they fade, but if you need to cry, cry. I am here for you, always. Besides, you look so beautiful when you cry.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I'm Going Exploring

I am stuck in a funny place at the moment. I am located somewhere between Sesame and Discovery streets (i.e. the comforting, childlike past and the uncertain, opportunity filled future). I should not rely on other people to drive me to Discovery street- I should use these legs I have and take myself and I should embrace change because "change is like a holiday" and I really really need a holiday.

The end for a caterpillar is the beginning for the butterfly.

To be continued...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Monday, May 25, 2009

Psycho -Spiritual Jewel Fulfilment

"Visions are not available in all this frenetic foolishness and yelling and pushing; visions are only obtainable in silence and meditation" (La Dolce Vita)
Something that needs to replace every billboard in the universe because it seems humans do need constant reminding.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I Don't Smoke


There is a dichotomous lingering effect that accompanies giving up smoking. There is a swinging anxiety and shifting feeling for social experience which makes the physicality of quitting seem like such a dream. The cravings which begin as mental twangs and body shivers eventually leave; the lungs clean out and your energy can bounce around 100% more than when you were a"smoker" and you don't wake up with that dirty ashy breathe which lodges in the back of your phlegm filled throat. You can hear your body rejoicing, singing "thank you, thank you, thank you!"

The grateful, abounding joy of your body soon dwindles when you find yourself in a social situation.

You find yourself talking to a pretty boy (or pretty girl) in a group of many and suddenly one announces they are going out for a smoke [ok] and then just as suddenly your pretty boy (or girl) decides to join [ok..] and then suddenly everyone peels away and leaves you abandoned, surrounded by empty cushions on a horizon of empty floorboards [NOT OK!!] You want so badly to respond in the once natural and greatly familiar way and trail after them, armed with tobacco to roll, filters, papers and ready to ask to borrow your new friend's lighter (how many friends I have made this way I cannot count!) But you chose health. Unfortunately in a blindly disgusting, hipster, indie Sydney scene which I often find myself in, everybody smokes. I chose health, and often that choice means dealing with new forms of abandonment from my prior smoking crew, my lover, isolation from potential friends and some intense nostalgia from the loss of some really comforting habits like sharing a smoke with someone with limited time before the bus, smoking in the bath whilst reading a good book, trading tobacco for a filter or paper, liking the taste of kissing a co-smoker, coffee and cigarettes altogether and that one last smoke to get you to bed.

I guess it's a real form of grief. It would be easier if no-one else in the universe smoked, if all my favourite movies weren't riddled with the habit (I used to love Jim Jarmusch for his smoking references now I find it hard watching him without one in my hand), if my housemates didn't smoke all around me inside the house and if in social situations I wasn't left, a "non- smoker" on the inside of that wall, divided and blocked from the possible world on the other side.

"Without contraries is no progression. Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence."- William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, "The Argument", 1790

Got any tobacco?

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Wunian is a Proto- Germanic word comprising of stages of dwelling. To dwell is to live and be, to remain, to start to place your surroundings (to take ownership of your dwelling) and to accept and be at one with these ways. Wunian is a peaceful word. You cannot truly dwell and achieve wunian unless you remain in a state of peace with how you are, how you live and how you 'be'.
This here is my favourite place in the world. I like to think my mother dwells here. It is certainly what I think of when I consider 'home'- it is a part of my identity, my true self that can achieve peace and clarity. Fields meet, meadows, meet rainforests, meet boulders, meets 36 degree views of the bay- all twinkling and vibrant and alive. I am alone but I am with the entity that is Bouddi and it embraces me.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Little Lost Soldiers

I found more treasure! It's everywhere!! ATTN ALL: Keep your eyes peeled for hidden gems!
These were camouflaged on the turf outside 'The Bower' in Marrickville (appropriate as it is a centre for the 'Lost Artefact' and many treasures can be found both there and at 'Reverse Garbage' around the corner). There came a flash of a young boy grubby in the dirt setting these soldiers against the evil robot (and perhaps paying him off with a pink star button??), a flash of a market stall selling these lost little toys once a huge hit for young school boys, a flash of all the hands they have passed through; all the stories they've inherited and have stored in their tiny plastic outers. It makes me glad that this collector's hobby has not outdated yet!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Retreating to nature is one of the most important things a person can do. It sets your mind free and cleanses your entire body; plus you discover some of the most beautiful treasures. I get so blissed out when this happens- I remain fully mindful and meditative, "stable as a rock." All the old labels and instilled thought patterns, all the ugly, pollutive habits and superficial descriptions all peel away to reveal an untainted truth which cannot lie to you; it is what it is, which reminds you that you are what you are.

I have returned to the blog world! It's nice. I will do my best to put up pretty pictures, whimsical musings, snippets of worldly info and some little things pertaining to my life. This entry features photos from my trip with Alexander to Nelson Bay/ Soldier's Point a couple of weeks ago- we had a splendid time and returned rejuvinated.