Missing Peg.

I'm not sure if it's obvious... but I miss my best friend.

Sad Sack Needs Communication

Sometimes listening for what hasn’t been said is the key to understanding communication breakdowns. I have learnt this the hard way.

Communication is not letting one person blab about how every day is the worst day of their lives and wishing you were doing something, anything else. It’s not blame games via myspace blogs. It is not snarky text messages asking who ate the last of the biscuits or left the fridge door open. It most certainly isn’t assuming that because someone can’t always focus all their energy on you and your problems that they hate you or are disgusted by you. You know what else is definitely, definitely isn’t? returning all the photographs you have of a person to the person (the already horrified, traumatized and downbeaten person who doesn’t even realize where it all went wrong) These are made up thoughts, misdirected and meaningless words/actions and repressed real emotions and often really cruel ways to hide true meaning. These are dead ends and poor relationship management skills on both ends.

I grew up in a household where when people were angry or upset they yelled at one another in order to communicate feeling/s. Aggression is not the best form of expression but it is still a form and at least I always knew where I stood. Though I have always put my own feelings on the backburner, being somewhat of a martyr and like my mother; always wanting those around me to be happy (before I myself could possibly consider my own happiness), I have learnt a lot about emotional responsibility in my (almost) 21 years of life. Firstly that my happiness is my responsibility and that others happiness is not my responsibility. When I say responsibility I mean that there is only one leader and perhaps everyone around them is part of a team they may utilise to guide and assist them in their own happiness but in the end if it all falls apart there are no scapegoats.

I believe that communication, spoken and unspoken, natural and prompted, is the glue in relationships. No matter how horrible you feel about your life, it is your responsibility to take control and steer it in the direction you want it to go in and usually this involves letting others in that can help you. You cannot always expect people to guess or just “know” somehow when you are stuck or needing help and you especially cannot blame others for your own unhappiness. COMMUNICATION.

Unfortunately unhappiness is a little infectious, especially when living or working in close confines to other sad sacks. When I was a kid, I had some sessions with a child therapist because I had trouble communicating and understanding other children. I blamed other children for the fact that they weren’t my friends- it must have been them, not me. I became paranoid and self-hating from the young age of 7. Luckily I was trained out of these negative thought patterns (not that I ever became miss popular) and realized I was just being a freak and that other children also liked walking around the playground picking flowers and singing to them and making daisy chains and that it was up to me to find them and befriend them. I was also encouraged to make up an imaginary figure called “sad sack”- a sad little boy version of me with blonde hair and blue eyes who understood my feelings of isolation and who I could unload onto instead of risking one day exploding from repression and alienation and also so I could stop using the people who cared about me as sad sack punching bags of blame and guilt. I always thought creating imaginary friends was an interesting activity for trying to mend an inability to make real ones… but it worked okay (although I’m still a bit of a freak- but I discovered there are other freaks too so it’s all cool!).

Do you think you might need a sad sack so you can stop being one?

P.S I’d dedicate this to someone in particular but I’m hoping one day we might re-kindle our friendship.

Gifts of Creation

Isn't it the most heartwarming feeling to know someone has put in the effort to create something from scratch especially for you? To spend an amount of time put aside especially in your honour? To think you deserving of an art; a creation? I was once having a low self esteem period when I received a package in the mail. It was from my good friend Camm who I had confided in about my "face hatred". He cared enough to write the words "You are Pretty" on every 365 days of a desk calender and send it to my house. It worked miracles for my confidence and love for mankind.

The above painting was created by my amazing friend Manu, a fellow kindred spirit and beautiful artist who I adore and constantely worry about as she flits from place to place leaving behind little mementos and markings of her wonderful being and gets herself into all sorts of mischiefs. It is the most time and effort anyone has ever put into a creation based on "me" or for me.

I am so blessed to have such wonderful and inspiring friends.

Colour in Winter

Colour in Winter, in the vain of Algae Rhythm, brought together a bunch of wonder-filled kids and not-kids to exercise creative freedom as well as all our other favourite past times- drinking, smoking, kissing, mingling, making new friends, catching up with old ones and being full of spirit and joy altogether. As we say goodbye to Autumn, my favourite coloured month- it was refreshing to breathe some colour into newly arrived Winter- even though it was a beautiful spring-like day anyway. If you're moving house and find your walls are too blank- feel free to hire us for your painting/decorating/life breathing needs.

We're getting treats!!

My girl housemates announced they were going to get treats yesterday afternoon and I was lucky to glimpse them before they left the house in matching colours, ear muffs, newly dyed hair and roller blades. I managed to scream "WAIT" and grab my camera before they scrambled out the front door.I caught them at the top of the front porch stairs wondering how to get down having already put on their roller blades, then choosing the side of the house, slipping a little but making it and off they went: two skater babes gliding off towards snack land. Unfortunately I didn't get them nearly stacking it a bunch of times on the wet pavement and crawling at a rate slower than walking across four suburbs to their destination- but I can imagine and it's just as adorable.

Your walls are alive

I have seen everything.
I have seen your naked body
glimmering in the early morning window light haze
and the rise and fall of your chest as it relaxes next to your lover post-passion
I have seen you alone
Hiding
Collecting your tears in notebooks, ticking away over each life decision
And with others, swimming in other people’s angst and concern
Trying to swim away, but conceding to remain in some way human
I have heard you speaking to yourself
Telling yourself everything will always be okay ten times over
Begging for it to be true
Promising yourself things will change
I have heard your thoughts
As you glance over and no-one looks back
As you will someone to look
As you withdraw and deny it is needed, lone warrior
I noticed the time you lit those candles
and poured over old photographs
you again re-arranged the furniture, because you can’t sleep at night
I felt it when those words stung you and you delicately brought that knife back into you room
Just in case
I feel when you hold your breath
Tense your every muscle
Close your eyes to the world
I am still there
I know you
I have seen you in every form of nakedness
Your walls are alive
And I am your house

I've been making zines

(These were created by Alex and I for Punk Monk Propaganda's monthly Algae Rhythm nights. More info on this to come....)